(Satire) - Billioniares Rush to the Aid of StarBucks

Original article and photos available at:  NYC Indymedia http://nyc.indymedia.org/en/2005/08/55275.html

 

Manhattan Billionaires could not sip their lattes idly while StarBucks Corporation faced attacks by pro-union protesters on Saturday, August 6. Instead, a bevy of Billionaires recognized our #1 specialty coffee retailer for its outstanding performance in union-busting and its continuing commitment to pay its baristas unlivable wages.

To touch off our defiant 'sip-in’, the Billionaires proffered a toast to “record-breaking profits”, while Diva Denz phoned her stock broker, demanding 1,000 more shares of Starbucks stock. But this celebration was cut short by the arrival of, alas, StarBucks Union picketers! Dr. DeBooks, in a fury not often exhausted by a Billionaire, snatched one of the Union’s flyers and brought it inside the store. Reading out loud in unutterable indignation, he sounded off the Union Workers’ grievances, including absurd things like livable wages, a decent number of hours, bathroom breaks, and similar claptrap that you might often hear the indentured class complain about.

Thankfully, we Billionaires distributed our own flyers to the customers, as we had our own points to make. Union-busting is “just good business”, as we all know. And these unprecedented profits are surely leading to unprecedented payraises, or at least Chairman Howard Schultz granted himself a 44% pay increase while leaving the baristas to their unlivable wages. Moreover, whining workers, if you need full-time status, just work more jobs!

At this point, the Regional District Manager appeared at the scene in an outrage over the turn of events. Without missing a beat, Billionaire Monet Oliver D’Place greeted him with our prestigious Better Billionaires Business Bureau Award for Outstanding Unfair Labor Practices, and as the manager blushed, surely from the unexpected honor, the stealthily corrupt Walkin Ondapoor snapped a camera on his priceless face.

The manager proceeded to escort us out the door, of course, to suppress the rabble outside. But we Billionaires couldn’t leave the comfort of the store without our own security. Indeed, the police arrived at the scene, while Buddy O’Bush, Ivy League-Legacy, and Ivan Yorz donned signs with slogans such as, “We Proudly Screw StarBucks Workers”, “Think Globally, Oppress Locally”, and “Let Them Work for Beans”. As the Union workers rallied behind fired Union worker Sarah Bender, we Billionaires chanted, “Sarah Bender, don’t defend her, Get in there and work the Blender!” and “StarBucks Workers, Get a clue, Living wages aren’t for you!”

We then marched in triumph to another crowded Starbucks store, where we were greeted, as usual, with cameras and spectators. Ivy League-Legacy assured everyone that there was nothing to fear, as we had the situation well under control. And lo and behold, we had our police arrive yet again to protect us. Pacifica radio station WBAI, which we are well on our way to privatizing, captured some footage from the spectacular contretemps between the Billionaires and the Union workers and we Billionaires aired our under-represented sentiments concerning our prized corporation’s profit pumping tactics.

Our bastion of Billionaires was, once again, triumphant. As we well know, “Big money, united, shall never be defeated!”

Huzzah, for keeping the BUCKS in StarBuck$!

- Diva Denz, reporting
[Internal Communique Leaked by Robin Eublind]

- Photos by Diva Denz, Walkin Ondapoor & Ryan Speth (all rights reserved)
 http://agitategroup.com/b4bstar/  [email protected]

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What YOU can do to Stamp Out Bohemia and Support StarBuck$:

DRUNK ON POWER BALL: Leave the Rabble Behind, and celebrate, put on and flaunt your bling and join the Billionaires at our yacht, the GENTRI-Frying Pan, Chelsea Pier 63, (East 23rd St. on the Hudson River) August 24th, 8p-Late. DJ Small Change, Billioniares, The Musical, excerpts, surfin' on the Hudson music w/Shinto Kings, and more! Profit sharing between the Billionaires & the Poor.
Discount advanced online tickets for those with liquidity problems.
 http://www.billionairesforbush.com/nyc/

Rant Here:
 http://www.alternet.org/module/email/?storyID=23938&is_blog=1

Stamp Out Bohemia!
HOWL East Village Arts Festival August 21-28th  http://howlfestival.com/
Don't miss the parties, the procession and the street theatre.

Listen to HOWL! preview August 15th 2p, Cat Radio Cafe, WBAI.org